I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize