I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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