I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
