ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
