i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize