My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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