I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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