before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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