does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
