i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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