im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
