when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
