I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
