Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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