I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
