Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize