had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
