Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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