I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
