i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
