she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
