Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
