Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Randomize
