I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
