My boss' voice literally gives me gas
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Randomize
