literally had 100 drinks last night.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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