I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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