In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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