If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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