Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
