I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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