sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
