i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
