So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
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