We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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