Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
