Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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