Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
