I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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