I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
