The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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