im about as happy as oj after his trial
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
