Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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