Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
