Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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