He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
