I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Terrible idea I love it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
