I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
