my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
