Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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