Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
