so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
