I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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