I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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