remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
